There are just some times, some moments in life where we just sit. We just sit and we look around us. We wonder…”What is this, really?” “How do all these things in life really fit..?” “How do things get to where they are?” I almost sound high right now, but I promise on everything that is not at all my predicament. I’m nowhere near anything like that, and never will be. I’m just pondering. I’m just thinking in my head..I remember when I thought everything was really okay, I thought..wow..I never in my life imagined all this would be okay again. I never imagined that my life would turn out like it is. Then, things start happening that cloud those..”it’s going to be okay thoughts..” The things that happened, the good things that happened, they start to fall apart..and you wonder…wait..what exactley is going on? I don’t want this to happen. I really don’t want this to happen. I hate it..and it hurts..and honestly I’m just scared. I’m almost scared that it’s not going to be okay.
That’s when you’re sitting..and your pondering and your wondering. As in what I’m doing now..I’m staring at my room. I’m staring at the paint on the walls. I’m staring at the things that make me, me. My room has my characteristics all over it. There are pieces everywhere of what my life used to be..and the journey between then and now. Things are tucked away in little boxes. Memories. Things from the present stand around on the shelves, and hang on the walls. The poster I made…my “dream board..” “inspiration board..” whatever you want to call it. I was in a really good place then, I think. “God is writing my life story” stands in the middle in silver. “Don’t Give Up,” in magazine letters. “Fear Not,” on a piece of orange paper stands to the side..(365 Fear Not’s in the Bible, one for every day of the year.) Fairth, Dream, Strong, Fearless, Hold on, Choose happiness, be yourself. So many different words pop out.
I can’t help myself from wondering “why?” I try to not wonder..but it’s always in the back of our heads. No matter how much we love God, no matter how much we have Faith in him…that word “why..” is always there. We just have to choose how to look at our situation. We can look at it as..”WHY GOD?” WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? THINGS WERE GOING TO GOOD..BUT THEN..BOOM…IT FALLS APART. WHY? Or..we can still have those tiny thoughts in our head..but bigger ones in front of them..like..”God…it hurts, I’m not going to lie..and you know my thoughts, you know what I’m going through, but I’m trusting you. I will always trust you. I do wonder why..but I know..I know it’s going to be okay.”
On my knees is where it begins…and ends..